9 years of magic

9 years of magic with this one!

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My rainbow after loss, my dream come true natural childbirth & my miracle NICU baby. I vividly remember asking God to protect this soul and I still truly don't take his answers for granted. 

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Happy Birthday Ash. 

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9 years ago this month was when this blog was born as well!

Here's a throw back to the post where I introduced baby Asher. :) 

Behind The Mask

Behind The Mask: my sweet firstborn who just graduated 6th grade from home! ❤️

I’ve put in late nights with this one who hasn’t seen his friends in 50 days, who is missing his first season of track and whose dreams of “the best summer ever,” have been put on hold.

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Despite his worries that Coronavirus will never go away, he is making lists of what he wants to do during this time, learning new basketball skills and making memories with his family. Stay strong sweet boy, this will end. 

You are water.

I wrote about you, sweet boy, before you were here. My little Ash- I dreamt of you. First your name, then of your soft golden hair. You are the best secret I even wrote down on paper all those years ago.

If only I could write the rest of your life for you just as easily. I would say: be strong, be courageous, be a peacekeeper.

You are water. Sweetly rushing down the river always chasing the next thought.

Peace between the trees, you've offered the world your time.

You have a spirit boundless as the mountains...

don't forget to find yourself sweet boy.

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grasping at snowflakes

This spring is obviously different than any before. Schools are closed and my boys are home doing online "homeschool." The neighborhood kids aren't knocking on the door and we're hunkered down, safer at home. Years ago, I thought homeschool was 100% what I'd choose for these little ones (here's a throwback) but a lot has changed since then. Now I miss the enrichment of school for them and Aaron and I are both lucky enough to be still working full-time jobs but scrambling to make it all work behind the scenes.

I took these photos on April 16th during a 12 inch snowfall. Aaron couldn't get over our hill to work & I was working from home. I had my camera out after doing product photos for work and Roman said yes to a little winter wonderland photoshoot.

I couldn't be happier with these photos. I haven't had time in survival mode to make much art and my heart comes alive capturing memories of these boys.

This Northern Colorado spring day set the scene for the real life snow globe we are living in right now. Our world has become very small but it is so filled with magic and snowflakes. I am the luckiest mom alive. Grasping to catch these snowflake moments while also mentally exhausted as well.

Sending light & love. I hope you catch a snowflake or two today.

To The Squad-less, The Tribe-less & The Ones Raising Kids Without A Village

Seen on Scary Mommy

In a culture hooked on buzzwords like "squad" and "tribe," I'm sometimes left wondering if I'm the only one over here scratching my head... One phrase that really echoes in my brain in regards to child-rearing is, "it takes a village."

But what if you don't have one?


I got married as a teenager and was pregnant by 20. When most of my high school friends were focused on figuring themselves out in college, I was figuring out breastfeeding and completely zeroed in on this new baby in my arms. I surprisingly didn't feel lonely during those young years on the narrow path. In fact, mothering was a dream come true for me and I poured every ounce of my being into caring for my son in our one bedroom apartment, $425/month. This was 12 years ago, before social media was there to remind me at the drop of a hat that I wasn't doing life the same way as everyone else. I carried on blissfully unaware in my little bubble where I truly felt like I had everything I needed.

My husband is very (as he absolutely should be) dedicated to this parenting gig, so I don't claim to know or even begin to imagine what single parents go through. But for me, outside of him, that "village" you hear of seems very elusive... I love my extended family but we were never in a situation of grandparents taking the kids for sleepovers and when our boys were 5 & 1, we moved across the country to start a different life alone.

Of course, I've asked for help from a select few in moments of need but mostly it's been me and my husband tag-teaming. I never thought much was unique about our setup until social media added it to my list of things to feel inadequate about. (Other things on said list include a house on par with Joanna Gaines' standards, the perfect mom bun & kids in matching, monotone pjs.)

Via Instagram, I've started to see that moms seems to have this magical "tribe" whom they couldn't survive without... that bestie who stops by and scoops the children over for a playdate when she's feeling overwhelmed. Friends Venmoing Starbucks gift cards on a rough day and dropping off a homemade lasagna when their kids are sick with strep throat.

"It takes a village," they always seem to say...

My reality has been that my husband and I worked opposite shifts for years to make ends meet, Netflix getting us through the hard times and the only "bestie" dropping off food was the Domino's pizza delivery guy. I don't share this to complain; I'm totally at peace with our lifestyle. In fact, I never felt like it went against the grain until social media gave me a backstage pass to the Jone's everyday. I am very independent by nature and enjoy functioning that way but it does leave me wondering if I'm the only one out here in trenches without my "ride or dies." Just going through the motions and hoping to God I'll get to take a nap or two on the weekends.

I am so grateful for the friends I've met along my journey whether they've stayed for a long time or briefly popped in and out. It's healthy to find human connection but I don't necessarily think I've created a "village" and I don't have a group of friends helping me with parenting, that's for sure.

I value time to myself and am involved in yoga and jump on the invite to join a book club or have dinner with other moms. There are people I enjoy spending time with when I get the chance but I wouldn't describe them as the "people I do life with" or my "tribe." Making friends as an adult is hard! Moving from Ohio to Colorado was one of the best decisions I've ever made but it also meant starting over and meeting people from scratch.

I will say, that even sans village, my kids seem to be making it ok. If anything, they know that their parents love them more than the moon and stars. Being their mother is still a dream I don't take for granted. No, my husband and I don't have a lot of "backup," our family lives hundreds of miles away, but we make it work. We are these boys' world and we will always find a way to provide no matter what.

So, the squad-less, the tribe-less, the ones raising their kids without a lot of help: cheers.

I'm here to say that I DON'T think it takes a village... but it sure as hell takes a lot of hard work.

Look at the view from here...

If I could have known at 14 that my life would lead here, living next to the Rocky Mountains with my childhood love & our two hilarious little boys, I would have thought my future life turned out  perfectly... But what I wouldn't have seen are the real life mountains I had to climb to get here. I wouldn't have seen how low the valleys are in-between. I couldn't have understood the childhood trauma I'd begin to unravel: the anxiety, the confusion, the pain of losing what I once had. The journey and process of  beginning to find myself again every day as an adult.

There's no way I could have comprehended what I know now and thank God I didn't know then. But damn, I've made it far. I'm working hard and grateful every day that driving towards the mountains means going home.  I'm still chasing this boy from church camp, living out my dream as a mother raising two of my very best friends.

I wish 14 year old Gillian could see this picture and I'm glad it would make her happy. It makes me smile to think of the joy I'd feel and how naive & hopeful I was then.

Life is far from the perfect fairy tale I would have imaged looking at this photo, but wow- look at view from here...

Holidays 2019

Happy Holidays from our family to yours!

 

Here's to the fact that I got my boys to wear matching outfits and smile (begrudgingly) for the camera. These were taken on Thanksgiving after we had 16 inches of snow in Fort Collins. Today is Christmas and I think I was more excited about waking up this morning than the kids and I hardly slept last night... Seeing my boys peek into the living room on Christmas morning is one of the happiest moments of parenthood for me! Santa brought bean bag chairs and a foosball table this year. Roman's face was absurdly cute when he was genuinely excited to see the foosball table after ripping off the paper. :) 

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas Day; thanks for stopping by. ☺️