friday.

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(just some happy photos i snapped yesterday of my wild, wild one and myself yesterday.)

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oh hey, i'm back!

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     unfortunately, i had to take a 2 week trip back to ohio because my father passed away pretty unexpectedly. he was struggling with some health issues but no one really expected it to end this soon or this quickly. i probably don't really need to explain that it's been a really crappy,

emotionally exhausting, crazy/intense/powerful couple of weeks. 

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     after all the work that my middle sister (we also have a 12 year old sister) and i along with other family members poured into planning and sorting and preparing things to celebrate and organize my dad's life, i am kind of feeling a little bit in a denial. although it has in many ways, i don't think that my dad's death has really truly hit me yet. and honestly, i'm not sure that it ever completely will. 

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     i don't think i'll ever stop waiting for a million voicemails or a text. or stop expecting to see him at christmas or call on my birthday. it may not ever really start making sense. how someone can be here one day and just completely gone the next. it's a lot to sort through.

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    the little boys and i got back to colorado yesterday and for now, it's back to real life.

because life just keeps on going on regardless.

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     happy friday everyone.
thanks to all of you who have reached out to me with condolences. :)

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defined.

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     a few weeks ago, roman started attending kindergarten at our local public school. is anyone surprised? i was a little surprised myself and yes it was a somewhat last minute decision. but it was also a decision that was a long time in the making and a decision that has definitely been the best  for our family and for roman, right now. 

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     i certainly would not have believed you if you had told me in september that this year roman would switch to public school. i have always been "homeschool-minded" and that's who i believed i was and who i believed our family was as well. it defined me in many ways as have many of my decisions as a mother and as a person have made me feel "defined". and oh, in ways they do define me. marrying at 19 is a huge part of me. my difficult experience with hyperemesis during my first pregnancy molded me in many ways. giving birth at 21 breathed life into my soul. losing a baby and going through a miscarriage became a part of my heart. my pregnancy with asher, our natural birth, gifted me many things. these events and choices have formed my life and my whole world. nursing my babies and toddlers and sleeping with them and homeschooling them and being with them all the time, all the time, has been so meaningful to me.

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     it becomes easy to fall so far into these roles that we become them. our culture is obsessed with definitions and labels. you come to my blog and you read my stories. and i portray and define myself for you here: mother, wife, photographer. i breastfeed and homeschool and wear my babies and sleep with them. i'm married to my best fried and i'm an art student. i'm passionate about birth and babies and art and pretty pictures with words. 

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     all of these are very true statements and facts about myself. but these things are not what wholly defines me. i do not wrap nice and tight into a little labeled box. no. many things about myself are not written in my "about me" on my blog and they are not visible at all from the outside. many things you would probably be surprised to know about my life and about my daily struggles. what i am seeing now is that even though it can be overwhelmingly tempting to be packaged neatly and wrapped up with a pretty bow, it is so, so limiting. 

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     spending your time living up to the world's expectations is such a grave and terrible waste of a beautiful and worthwhile life. all of these labels that i have given myself are so meaningful to me. they are such a deep and wonderful part of my story.  the lessons which i am now finding from life and the words i want to share with you are these: don't get so focused on what defines you that you miss the chance to follow a different path. don't become so focused on who you think you are supposed to be that you miss a beautiful and wonderful chance to become something new. a chance to change, a change to reevaluate, a chance to be real and honest, and to grow. <3 

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this post is my first in a series that i am participating in this year with a wonderful group of women in the "mommy blogger collective". i hope that you'll take a moment to visit their blogs below and read their take on this month's prompt, "defined".

/// The Mommy Blogger Collective /// Christina, Courteney, Dena, Erica, Erin, Gillian, Katie, Misty, Nicole, and Renée. ///

lucky enough.

"if you're lucky enough to be in the mountains, you're lucky enough."

<3

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these warm winter days.

these photos are from before Christmas on one of those crazy warm winter days that we seem to have more and more of over the past couple years! i usually absolutely despise winter. i don't do well without light and warmth i guess. the past two winters though have been AMAZING! i realized yesterday that i actually don't even mind winter that much this year! there have been so many random warm days that it really breaks things up and doesn't make me feel like i have just been holed up inside freezing for months at a time. i think another reason that winter is tolerable this year is that we have gas heat and our house is actually pleasantly warm as opposed to last year!

my boys LOVE to be outside. especially asher. when we open up the front door he bolts outs with a picture of pure happiness on his face! i am so blessed to have aaron who is always willing to take the boys out to play on days that are warmish but still too cold for me to want to go outside. during our big snow after Christmas he took roman out a few times and they explored while asher and i stayed nice and warm inside.  just last night roman was rambling on about someday when he'll go on camping trips with dad and i know that there will be lots of outdoors adventures in the future for 

aaron and my boys :)

one of a kind.

haven't really shared anything lately, although i have so many photos to share. and i guess thoughts and things to share as well. 

but i've been busy just not wanting to share anything at all, if that makes sense.

i've just been working at school work, and doing some with my photography business as well.

not been in the best of moods either.

trying to hang on and learn and grow and keep it together, but it is hard for me.

that's putting it mildly, hah.

but here's a little photo of our littlest, who i always call "teeny boy".

he is such a teeny boy, he just feels so little and teeny and special and warm.

he has the craziest little spirit and takes a lot of energy to deal with some days, or most days rather.

 lately,  i have just been noticing all the special things about him.

i thank God for blessing us with this little teeny boy who

has these spunky little qualities about him that came from who knows where.

i thank God for asher's surprises and specialness.

he is truly
 one of a kind.

ten percent.

last night was filled with all these great dreams. i mean really, great dreams. i dreamed that i was fourteen again and hugging aaron goodbye at church camp. we slipped notes into each other's pockets. i felt filled with that girly feeling of falling in love. then it fast forwarded to a dream where asher was a newborn. he was wearing a little striped outfit and i was holding him, all curled up, in front of the window, and saying to myself in my head, "remember this moment. because the rest of your life you will miss this."

today i'm at the coffee shop with my boys while aaron works down the street. i really have everything i've ever wanted. the boy who i daydreamed of eleven years ago is now my husband. i have a little four year old artist boy. who says to me, "mama, would you like to go to the coffee shop with me today?" who brings his little bag of art supplies in with him. 

i have my teeny chubby roly poly baby, who i hoped and prayed for. who wears his brother's hand me downs. he smells like a cabbage patch baby and smiles without me even having to ask.

i wish i could always remind myself of this.

90 percent of my life feels like pure chaos. breastfeeding on the floor in front of the space heater in a freezing house. surrounded by a huge mess. piles of laundry that will get worn without ever being folded. exhausted with dirty hair. feeling like i can't accomplish anything.

yeah, that's about 90 percent of my life.

but i guess it's this,

watching roman light up when he sees the chalkboard wall in the bathroom at the coffee shop,

sipping a caramel iced coffee next to my sleeping little cherub baby asher,

this golden 10 percent is what keeps me going.
and reminds me that this is all i've ever wanted.

asher and i amidst the chaos.