ten percent.

last night was filled with all these great dreams. i mean really, great dreams. i dreamed that i was fourteen again and hugging aaron goodbye at church camp. we slipped notes into each other's pockets. i felt filled with that girly feeling of falling in love. then it fast forwarded to a dream where asher was a newborn. he was wearing a little striped outfit and i was holding him, all curled up, in front of the window, and saying to myself in my head, "remember this moment. because the rest of your life you will miss this."

today i'm at the coffee shop with my boys while aaron works down the street. i really have everything i've ever wanted. the boy who i daydreamed of eleven years ago is now my husband. i have a little four year old artist boy. who says to me, "mama, would you like to go to the coffee shop with me today?" who brings his little bag of art supplies in with him. 

i have my teeny chubby roly poly baby, who i hoped and prayed for. who wears his brother's hand me downs. he smells like a cabbage patch baby and smiles without me even having to ask.

i wish i could always remind myself of this.

90 percent of my life feels like pure chaos. breastfeeding on the floor in front of the space heater in a freezing house. surrounded by a huge mess. piles of laundry that will get worn without ever being folded. exhausted with dirty hair. feeling like i can't accomplish anything.

yeah, that's about 90 percent of my life.

but i guess it's this,

watching roman light up when he sees the chalkboard wall in the bathroom at the coffee shop,

sipping a caramel iced coffee next to my sleeping little cherub baby asher,

this golden 10 percent is what keeps me going.
and reminds me that this is all i've ever wanted.

asher and i amidst the chaos.